Plinkle Orange Cupcakes...

As most people know. I'm a stubborn ass Betch. I don't change for anyone. But I let people walk all over me. I'm scared for Change. Because I already know that all Change brings me is more and more pain..I don't wanna be hurt..I don't wanna have to live with all the scars. But I mean what am I supposed to do. Whenever Lauren's just pressuring me into it. And just making the pain seem more and more real that It's gonna come. I mean. I know I keep her in a bubble. But it's just so that I know that No ones gonna come in between us. Like they have before. I mean. Whenever she'd hang out with her friends. She'd always ignore me. We'd hardly talk. So I'd just be sitting there on the phone listening to her busting up laughing with her friends. Wishing that I could have all of her attention. But instead she just wants to spend all the time with friends. And I know that this sounds selfish. But I want all of her attention. I don't wanna share it at all. I've never gotten anyones attention all to my self. I've never once gotten that. But Now. I've been getting it. Even if It is at short periods of time. I still get it at least. And I like it. But now...everyones trying to take that away from me..mostly...lauren...She doesn't like that I have her in a bubble. And that I have myself in one. She doesn't like giving me all of her attention its been seeming more and more.. And that just shows me that I am gonna get hurt..I mean. I already know it. It'll be the same as before. If not worse. She's never gonna wanna be on the phone so that we can talk. Because she's gonna be too busy hanging out with friends. And she's never gonna want to come to my house to see me. Or me come out there. cause she's gonna have plans with friends. thats why I've been so hard lately. Not wanting to change things. Because I don't want that too happen. But I mean..I can't really tell her. Because I already know what she's gonna say. Nothings gonna happen. Everythings gonna be the same. bullshit..I already know it's not. Half the time her and I are on the phone lately. We're aruging because she wants to go hang out with friends. To the point im crying in a ball on my floor telling her I'll call her back. Lately..It seems she doesn't care or doesn't notice that this has been happening more lately. I've be come more depressed then ever. (And no I ain't just saying that. I ain't a friggin emo kid. so don't start shit.) I mean every time lauren and i are on the phone. I at least break into tears at least twice. I don't go out side period. I hardly eat. but I mean I force myself too. For Laurens sake. I never really leave my room. I'm tired of it...it hurts...she doesn't seem to really wanna talk to me..cause she always wants to be hanging out with her friends...We're almost always on the phone now...but...i mean...When she's with friends. We're never on the phone. or if we are. She's ignoring the fuck outta me. And She's paying attention to her friends. Then if I decide to say anything..I have to repeat it like a million times. I don't wanna go back to that. Because I know. That either thats gonna happen. Or someones gonna come inbetween us again. I already know it. But she doesn't believe me at all. I'm not stupid. I know it's gonna happen...I don't like feeling like this. But I mean what can I do...she doesn't wanna talk to me. It's heartbreaking. I'd rather be dead then go threw this and all this friggin pain...but she doesn't seem to really notice that...well...i'ma go...i'ma listen to music...peace...